On top of not being dead I'm also not pregnant

Title says it all doesn't it.

Little tumbles. I'd call them.
Oh period you finally came 2 days ago 2 days earlier and you would've spared me the headache. Those two days that my body went insane. Dizziness, nausea, headache, stomach ache, every time I stood up to move I thought I was going to crumple up and turn to dust. I was relieved to find out it was a concussion, slightly stressed, but over all relieved. Do you want to know why? Because as I was laying outside while my mother worked on her refinishing project she said I must be pregnant. Oh... what?! My list of ailments were clear signs of pregnancy to her and all I could do was sputter nonsense and say "noooo...no way, ...really?" And her look of disappointment in me reached deep down into my soul and strangled the hell out of it. To my parents I have never had sex, I have never let a boy get near my naughty bits, & I will abstain until married. They aren't religious, just insane. Her first question was "well did you tell your father?" ...buh? Well... I DIDN'T EVEN THINK I WAS PREGNANT UNTIL YOU BROUGHT IT UP 5 SECONDS AGO SO NO I HAVEN'T. *cough* So I told her to shush and that I was going to trek up to Longs Drugs and buy myself a stick to pee on.

There is no real way to disguise buying a pregnancy test. I shouldn't anyways but I look like I'm 14 and dressed (at the time) like I'm on my way to an Easter egg hunt. So I bought a pregnancy test and a 2 liter bottle of coke. Subtle. As I walked back home, chugging down my soda, I thanked the gods that there were no middle schoolers walking home because their noise would surely drive me to the breaking point and I would tackle them into the street. I'm not joking.

So ok let's go, pee on the stick time. This on it's own was kind of funny to me and was the last time I had to do this. I have the belief I must have some kind of bladder infection because I have to pee... a lot. Often. Too much. I think I've gotten up to pee halfway through writing this. So there I was and... I couldn't pee. Oh come on. Omg foreign object we're shutting down the plumbing! It took 5 minutes of eternity. 5 WHOLE MINUTES.

And then came the big wave of relief when I saw I wasn't pregnant. How one little pink line can make a person so happy. Yet there was this tiny little twinge in me that said "aw man". The relief of course outweighed this feeling but it was still there. Because it's kind of like my superpower has failed me. Though I wasn't asking it to work anyways. And when I thought it did previously I almost lost all sanity and bit the hell out of my cheek not to sob on the Bart train and frighten the little asian woman sitting next to me. I guess within the panic you can't help but see those 3 seconds of possible awesomeness and smile.

And yes I call it a superpower because hey see my stomach? Yea, I can grow people in there. Top that.