Can we have a direct line to your floater?

Two things

1) I don’t look forward to my lighting class at all. He feels like the kind of teacher that has this exact image in his head and if you don’t hit it you’re wrong, which really takes the art out of art. If that makes sense.

2) I’d like to bleach my hair white. I’ll give myself a week or two to let the idea sink in and scrape up money to get it done. Yes I will go to a salon. I do know how to bleach my hair but I might get some sudden burst of inspiration that I can’t accomplish with my unsteady hands. Such as read streaks in the white, I’d be a giant peppermint!

I think that’s a sign for me to be heading to bed.

Jesus, did I say that? Or just think it? Was I talking? Did they hear me?

So about 2 weeks ago I was taking a shower and thought to myself, "Hey why don't you stop taking sleeping pills?" And of course the first reply back was, what are you fucking crazy? I've been taking these things for months, every night like they were vitamins. Did you remember to take your pills tonight? Upset? Hey take 4-5 nobody's looking. But I convinced myself to just try it one night, just one night.

I woke up the next morning feeling better than I had in months. A ton of energy, in a great mood, a skip in my step, all that good shit.

And then came hell. After the second night I got hit with something that felt like the flu and then the next day I got my period and then the next day I got a flu shot. So I was a little ball of ache and bloaty-ness for a week but I kept my head clear. No sleeping pills. Focus on your work. Focus on your work.

I slipped up. Last Sunday night. I felt so overwhelmed, so upset, so awful, so all other damn words that point to sad. I don't even know why I was if you asked me. I honestly don't. I took 2 and woke up the next morning like the biggest failure that's ever walked the Earth. How could I just give in like that, I had been doing so well just to toss it away. For most of this week I've felt pretty embarrassed and disappointed in myself. That once proud feeling I had after the first night without felt like a fucking joke.

On the upside it has given me stronger motivation to stop than ever but even though I haven't since then it still feels like a huge blotch on my record.

One night at a time.

Post 88

So I guess this is more of a confession than anything.

I can't sleep without sleeping pills. I simply can't. From the transition from half a pill to 3 or 4 to 5 or 6. And I will always push this off to the side with a "Don't worry about it, I know what I'm doing." No I don't. But do you really think I'm going to ask for help? No. I feel too guilty to ask someone to help me out. Can I be a total burden for you? Will you stay awake with me because I can't sleep?
Am I asking for help? Is this even serious enough to ask for help?

That's it.